Post by michael on Jan 10, 2011 23:23:28 GMT -6
``JANUARY 10th, 2013
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There are days were I won't even think of commiting my inner thoughts onto paper. Its too dangerous to even suggest that someone, wether from Heaven above, or Hell below, get a detailed look into the workings of my mind. But I cannot help but feel the attraction that a normal human has towards laying down their concious thoughts through ink. It is almost relaxing and strangely freeing. Already I feel as if some of the burden that has been placed on my shoulders is lifting, and I feel like my old self again, which during these troubled times is hard.
I cannot believe that I had once thought this to be easy. I do not talk about the mission that my Lord and Father has placed me with, but the fact that I can feel myself slowing falling back into my old ways. Worse, I can feel these human emotions of this body flooding the back of my mind, as though placed behind a damn with a threat of falling apart. I have been doing my best to ignore these emotions, to not let them tear apart my soul and cloud my judgement. But at times I cannot help it. I have a heart, and now I am more aware of it then ever. But I cannot let my inner struggle slip into the outside world. If I let doubt or hopelessness flood me, then all hope is lost. The humans must be saved! That is the task I was appointed, and by my Father's name I will not fail neither hum nor the humans! I must not Fall, for if I do, I fear that humanity will cease to exsist.
I am trying though. I have forgotten the number of Demons that have fallen to both my bullet and sword. I have forgotten the number of Hellish souls that have ceased to be as I plunged my dagger into their flesh. Sometimes I can almost loose myself in the righteous slaughter. It is all justified, but again I can almost feel the pleasure float through my body as I hear their screams. Why am I changing? Before, there would only be loss, the idea that another fallen brother or sister dying by my hands, but not now. Why? Am I doing the right thing? No. Do. Not. Doubt. To doubt my mission, is to doubt God himself. I will continue to destroy as many souls that cannot be saved. My thoughts turn to Her. She had betrayed our Father by joining him, my dearest brother..........
She had betrayed me.
Can I destroy her?
Can I save her?
Will my feelings for Lilith ever leave......
Though I try to stave them off, my Doubts will always return.